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Katie: Whats up and welcome to the Wellness Mama Podcast. I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com, and I feel you’re actually going to get pleasure from at this time’s visitor as we delve into the psychological and the emotional facet of well being. I’m right here with Emmy Award profitable Rhonda Britten, who’s a repeat Oprah visitor and has labored with 1000’s of individuals in her program of what she calls “Fearless Dwelling.” She has one of the wonderful tales I’ve heard, each in her personal private transformation and what she went by in her life, and now in what she does to assist, like I mentioned, 1000’s and 1000’s of individuals. And on this episode, we go deep on how one can transfer by concern in your private life, and in addition when it’s widespread and societal like it’s proper now for many individuals. And he or she provides actually sensible ideas and beginning factors for how one can shift your interior voice and your interior fears, and use them to your benefit in life quite than combating them. So with out additional ado, let’s be taught from Rhonda.

Rhonda, welcome. Thanks for being right here.

Rhonda: I’m so excited to be right here speaking about my very favourite topic, concern.

Katie: Effectively, I feel it’s a really well timed topic proper now. There’s a number of uncertainty nonetheless going round proper now and I feel there couldn’t be a extra pertinent time to speak about this and doubtless, I’m excited to hear from you and to get ideas from you and I hope that it’ll assist many individuals listening as properly. However as background, I’d love to hear slightly little bit of your story and the way you grew to become this voice of fearless residing and serving to so many 1000’s of individuals.

Rhonda: Thanks. Effectively, you realize, it wasn’t… I feel most of us who at the moment are devoted to supporting individuals, to serving to individuals, to guiding individuals, to serving to them transfer by no matter they’re transferring by, proper, and me particularly fearless residing/concern is as a result of I lived in concern most of my life, however I didn’t realize it. And I feel that’s an actual key level, Katie. I feel most individuals don’t stroll round saying, “I’m afraid,” or “I’m scared.” Perhaps proper now they’re really admitting it greater than regular. However most of us don’t stroll round saying, “I’m afraid,” or “I’m scared.” And I didn’t both.

And you realize, I did, you realize, a number of totally different, you realize, learn books, took workshops, did at a complete bunch of issues to change my life, however they actually didn’t get me over the sensation that there’s one thing fallacious with me. And, you realize, you requested the query like, how did it actually all begin? Effectively, you realize, if I actually look again on the place did this start, it was once I was 14 years previous. And, you realize, my favourite guide on the time was, ”Why am I Afraid to Let you know who I’m,” which I discover fully ironic that now I train individuals how to not be afraid to be who they’re, proper?

However it was on Father’s Day. My mother and father had been not too long ago separating and I, you realize, my father was coming over to take us to brunch, which, you realize, there’s three children, two adults, 5 individuals. We didn’t actually exit to dinner or lunch or brunch ever. So this was an enormous particular occasion. And my father is available in, “Come on, come on.” My sisters are within the rest room combating it out. I’ve two sisters. We lived in about an 850-square-foot home. And my mother and I begin strolling out with my dad, my sisters nonetheless within the rest room combating it out, and my dad seems at me and says, ”I’ve obtained to get my coat from the automobile.” And so he opens his trunk to seize his coat. However as an alternative of grabbing his coat, he grabbed a gun and he began screaming at my mom, ”You made me do that. You made me do that.” And I begin screaming, ”What are you doing, dad? What are you doing?” And he shoots my mom and I’m frozen, proper? I don’t know what to do. I’m frozen. And my father cocks the gun and factors it at me. And I completely consider I’m subsequent. And my father seems at me. I have a look at him, and like, we’re like actually eyeball to eyeball and you realize, he blinks, I blink, and I’m simply ready. I’m simply ready for the bullet.

And in my mom’s literal final breath, she sees that gun in my face and screams, ”No, cease.” And my father realizing my mom’s nonetheless alive, takes that bullet supposed for me and shoots my mom a second time. And that second bullet goes by my mom’s stomach, out her again and lands within the automobile horn. And so for the following 20 minutes, all I heard was BEEEEP. After which my father cocks the gun once more and he drops to his knees, places the gun to his head and fires.

So in two minutes, I used to be the only witness of watching my father homicide my mom and commit suicide in entrance of me. And I don’t understand how different individuals would reply, however principally, how I responded was…I imply, I didn’t do something to cease my father from killing my mom. , I blamed myself. I didn’t seize the gun. I did nothing heroic. I didn’t kick him within the knees. I didn’t leap in entrance of my mom. I did no superhero stuff. I simply stood there frozen saying, “Cease, cease,” proper? And in that second, I principally cut up in two, Katie. , half of me was, you realize, “I’m high quality, I’m high quality. I’m a straight-A scholar. I’ll nonetheless be a straight-A scholar and I’ll fake all of this didn’t occur.” After which the opposite a part of me simply had a lot guilt and disgrace.

And, you realize, once you witness your father murdering your mom, you don’t get to be glad ever once more. Like I simply actually resigned myself that I don’t ever get to be glad. And so for the following 20 years, I attempted to kill myself 3 times. I grew to become an alcoholic. I obtained three DUIs. And you realize, it was that third suicide try that I spotted I’m not excellent at killing myself and I’ve gotta work out one other means. And I keep in mind going again to my little tiny studio condo after that third suicide try, realizing, “Effectively, if I’m not gonna die, I higher work out how to dwell.”

And, you realize, throughout these 20 years of alcoholism and nightmares and, you realize, and so forth., and so forth., and suicide makes an attempt, I did learn books and I did go to workshops and I did go to remedy. I did all the pieces one would assume they need to do. However like I shared earlier, there was this overwhelming feeling that there was nonetheless one thing actually basically fallacious with me.

And so once I went to that little studio condo after my third suicide try, I keep in mind saying to myself, “Like, if I’m not dying, I’ve gotta work out how to dwell and I’ve gotta determine this out.” And so I began making up workouts for myself. And I simply wanna say this, Katie, I used to be not happy with myself for doing this. I believed I used to be so screwed up that I had to make stuff up for myself. So I used to be actually ashamed that I had to do that. And the excellent news, although, these workouts began to work for me, began to shift my mindset, began to shift the way in which I noticed the world, began to heal me, began to transfer me into the route of what’s now referred to as Fearless Dwelling.

So what I train at this time is simply an extension, and naturally, an enlargement, as a result of now I’ve been doing it for 25 years, of what I began that second when had to determine, you realize, “Rhonda, you may’t maintain going this fashion. You may have to decide and you’ve got to determine to dwell. You may have to determine to thrive. You may have to determine to grow to be the individual you had been born to be.” And that was the, you realize, the germination, the primary seed that began like…you realize, once more, it took many, a few years to, you realize, supply this to the general public and even assume I may do it. I imply, I used to be…it took me a few years earlier than…you realize, from the second I began creating the workouts to really pondering that they might assist anybody however me.

However that was the second, you realize. I actually do assume that… I do actually do assume that someway that is, you realize, a life’s, you realize, dedication by me and my mother and father to transfer the world to see concern in a different way by our expertise after which by my being alive and making an attempt to determine it out for myself and me admitting that I’m afraid. As a result of once more, for many of my life, even after that occurred, I by no means admitted I used to be afraid. So once I began understanding how concern labored, all the pieces modified for me, Katie. Every thing modified. And that was the start of a brand new life, a starting of having the ability to be glad, a starting of, you realize, peace of thoughts, a starting of, you realize, vanity and self-worth and self-confidence and self-acceptance and all the pieces that I’d at all times yearned for.

Katie: Wow. I do know each time I hear your story, it simply provides me goosebumps and it’s so unbelievable to hear what you’ve overcome and what you confronted, which is a lot greater than many individuals assume they’ll ever have to face. And I feel that’s so inspiring, on the one hand. Then I feel one other response you possibly get, I’m curious when you do, however is individuals who haven’t had to undergo one thing as troublesome as that saying, you realize, “I’m not strolling round with that stage of getting gone by one thing or that stage of concern. So do I really want to really tackle this? Like do I want fearless residing if I haven’t had to face one thing that horrific?”

Rhonda: Yeah, I feel that’s an excellent query, Katie. And you realize, my motto is, you realize, “Worry is concern is concern,” and each single individual alive has concern whether or not they realize it or not. They usually do as a result of it’s a part of our neurobiology. So, whether or not it’s, you realize, concern of rejection, concern of failure. As a result of, you realize, we’re speaking about when my father took that gun out, you realize, that’s referred to as concern of survival, concern of residing. Like, you realize, I’m gonna die, proper? So, most of us don’t perceive the distinction between a bodily concern and an emotional concern. And we actually don’t type of give credence to emotional fears most of us. However bodily fears of, you realize, being shot or, you realize, rape or one thing horrific, you realize, more often than not, for most individuals, knock on wooden, they don’t have to expertise that each day.

Their bodily concern is just not what they’re experiencing. However what they’re experiencing most days is an emotional concern. Like, “Do I begin my very own enterprise?” Effectively, that call most likely is being determined by concern greater than we’d like to admit and greater than we’re most likely conscious of as a result of it seems like a rational, sensible, like, “Effectively, no. It’s not an excellent time to do this,” you realize, or whether or not we transfer or whether or not we fall in love or whether or not we depart or any of the selections that we have now to make more often than not, until we’re actually clear, actually clear and perceive how concern works, concern is making too a lot of our choices for us, once more, below the guise of rationale or sensible or, “It’s the very best factor to do,” or once more, “That is the very best factor my mom would inform me to do,” and so forth., and so forth.

So, you realize, I pray that no person has to expertise what I do and I pray that no person has to expertise horrific circumstances. However what I do know from the folks that I’ve labored with, whether or not it’s a minister, whether or not it’s a stay-at-home mother, whether or not it’s a CEO, doesn’t matter, all people has, whether or not they’re awake to it or not, concern as a result of once more, it’s a part of our neurobiology. It’s a part of the way in which our mind works. It’s a part of the way in which our physique works. So until you perceive it, most individuals get confused by it they usually really consider the alerts of concern quite than consider their very own true nature, you realize, comply with their very own path.

Katie: Wow. Yeah. I feel that’s such a fantastic description. And I do know one other objection you most likely hear comparatively typically and positively that I held on to and hid behind for lots of variety of years is the concept that some concern is nice and that, you realize, concern can maintain us protected. I even hear individuals train their children that of like, you realize, “You wanna be afraid of strangers and snakes and no matter it could be as a result of that retains you protected.” And so I’m curious, what do you say to individuals who strive to argue, you realize, why can we wanna do away with fears, don’t we wanna maintain on to them?

Rhonda: Effectively to begin with, you may’t do away with concern. In order that’s not possible. It’s a part of our neurobiology. So there’s no eliminating concern. However there’s transcending concern. There may be befriending concern. There may be mastering concern. However there’s no eliminating it. So if anybody ever says to you, “Oh, do away with this concern for good,” it’s like they’d have to provide you with a lobotomy, proper? Like that’s not potential, proper? So it’s about working by your concern. Now, once you hear mother and father and, you realize, “Watch as you cross the road,” and, you realize, “Don’t eat that, that’s actually unhealthy for you,” or “You may have an allergy,” or you realize any of these issues, that’s really a bodily survival concern.

And if I’m in an elevator and I’m feeling freaked out or get an intuitive hit that I ought to get out, yeah, get out. Proper? And yeah, do I wanna go bungee leaping? Not a lot, proper? So there’s an enormous distinction between bodily fears, you realize, what our mother and father often inform us, proper? Like, you realize, be careful for site visitors. Watch out, proper? They wanna maintain us protected. They wanna maintain us alive. However the place the issue is available in is as a result of the mind doesn’t know the distinction between an emotional concern and a bodily concern, those self same fears are type of handed down emotionally as properly. In order that concern of strolling throughout the road turns into concern of taking dangers, a concern of falling in love, a concern of connecting, a concern of telling the reality, a concern of sharing a secret, a concern of being intimate, a concern of beginning my very own enterprise, a concern of transferring, proper?

So these bodily fears that we’re taught once more, out of the goodness of our mother and father’ coronary heart and our group’s coronary heart, and naturally we wish to keep bodily protected. However once more, what it does is it really interprets into an emotional concern. And so these emotional fears, that concern of rejection, that concern of loss, that concern of intimacy, that concern of success, that concern of failure, that concern of being insufficient, that concern of trying silly, the concern of fearing being lazy, the concern of, you realize, being a loser, proper? I may go on and on. These fears subtly, you realize, quietly, insidiously, affect our pondering. And once more, that is all from our neurobiology, from our mind. It’s not one thing that, you realize, I made up in the midst of the night time and simply, you realize, it’s not scientific-base. It’s like, no, no, no, no. That is our neurobiology and our neurobiology, the mind, doesn’t know the distinction between a bodily concern and an emotional concern. The mind doesn’t know the distinction between one thing you make up versus what’s actual. So that you stroll right into a networking assembly otherwise you go to a celebration and also you say, “These aren’t my individuals,” you I wager manufactured that, you realize, and also you name it instinct. However you manufactured that due to your neurobiology of concern.

So the mind doesn’t know the distinction between bodily and emotional, doesn’t know the distinction between actual and imagined. What they’re now discovering is that concern, many occasions, is handed down by our DNA. So a number of the issues that you’re afraid of really got here out of your nice, nice grandmother, proper? And the opposite factor we learn about concern is that there’s no eliminating it, proper? There’s no eliminating it. So that you wanna find out how to work with it. You wanna perceive its objective so that you simply now not get stopped by it, in order that you understand how concern sounds versus freedom sounds. the distinction between concern and love. the distinction between, you realize, concern of, you realize, being, you realize, your genuine self versus actually residing within the danger of being your genuine self.

Like, you realize the distinction so you may stroll in a life that basically fits you, that basically is your life to dwell and never let concern determine for you as a result of concern is delicate, insidious. It is aware of all the pieces you realize. It’s as good as you might be, educated as you might be, non secular as you might be, as educated as you might be. So it makes use of all the pieces that you realize in opposition to you. Get extra non secular, it will get extra non secular. So once more, there’s an enormous distinction between individuals pondering that concern is only a bodily concern when actually, the day-to-day residing that we undergo, our emotional fears are literally deciding an excessive amount of of our life, not our bodily fears.

Katie: So then if we will’t do away with concern, which makes whole sense, you talked about we have now to be taught to work with it or to make it good for us. So stroll us by what are the primary steps of that? As a result of that looks like an amazing course of.

Rhonda: Yeah, properly it’s simply simpler than you assume as a result of, after all, that’s what I’ve been doing for 25 years and I do know that I wanted a simple course of, proper? Like, I couldn’t have something sophisticated, proper? Like, I wanted ABC. So as to dwell it day-after-day, I want ABC. And so I created one thing referred to as the Wheel of Worry and the Wheel of Freedom. And the Wheel of Worry and Wheel of Freedom have 4 elements every. However I wanna give attention to a few elements simply to begin getting individuals on the pathway.

So the Wheel of Worry has one thing referred to as Worry Responses. Okay. So as an illustration, you realize, all of us type of know what we predict our issues are, proper? Like most of us can like, title our issues. , procrastination, perfectionism, I get anxious, overwhelmed, you realize. So we type of know like, “Oh, I examine. I compete. , I really feel responsible. I get fearful.” Like, we all know. “, I people-please. , I give an excessive amount of. I’m simply anyone who provides.” So all of us most likely know a number of the ways in which concern really is influencing us proper now. And what we do, Katie, is we name them our issues, or we name them our character flaws, or we are saying that they’re our character defects, or we are saying that’s what we’re unhealthy about, or that’s our drawback, you realize, beating ourselves up, and so forth., making excuses, complaining, and so forth.

So the very first thing that I need to give individuals reduction from is these are simply concern responses. So your procrastination, your perfectionism, you’re overwhelmed, you’re complaining, you’re feeling responsible, you’re fearful, evaluating, once more, beating your self up. All of these issues are the way in which that our neurobiology has created a, you realize, type of a means to maintain ourselves protected, from an emotional standpoint. And the way in which that it’s tricked us is that we predict these are our issues, proper? We expect procrastination is our drawback. And actually, procrastination is only a symptom, a concern response to a deeper concern.

So when you can actually begin seeing like, “Oh, you imply my overeating isn’t as a result of I’m lazy?” No, it’s not since you’re lazy. No, it’s really you’re over-eating as a result of there’s a concern driving that overeating. “Oh, you imply procrastination is just not that I’m lazy?” No, it’s not. Procrastination isn’t since you’re lazy. Procrastination, once more, is a concern response to a deeper, deeper concern.

So we wouldn’t complain if we didn’t have a concern. We wouldn’t get overwhelmed if we didn’t have a concern. We wouldn’t really feel responsible if we didn’t have a concern. We wouldn’t fear if we didn’t have a concern. So all of the issues that we predict are our issues, you realize, three issues, 10 issues, 20 issues, are literally a symptom of 1 factor and that’s what I name the core concern, that set off that basically ignites all of these concern responses. So one of many first issues, Katie, individuals can do is definitely write down all of the methods they journey themselves up, all of the methods they trick themselves, all the way in which the issues that they assume they’ve. So, you realize, spend a while and simply go, “Okay, yeah, I procrastinate. Yup. Yup. I get overwhelmed. Yup. Yup. I get anxious. Yep. I’m a perfectionist. Yep. I strive. I’m a management freak. Yep.” And simply write them down.

Begin proudly owning that, “Okay, these are the ways in which I reply once I’m in concern.” And what I need everybody to hear proper now’s that, you aren’t your wheel of concern. You aren’t your wheel of concern. You aren’t together with your wheel concern. And all of these concern responses had been honed and created, once more, by our DNA, but in addition, you realize, from our household, from our life expertise, from, you realize, who we frolicked with. And the wheel of concern was shaped by the point you had been 5. So, you realize, you’re not silly, lazy, ignorant, insufficient, and so forth, or nugatory. , you’re simply having a concern that you simply don’t know what to do with. So that you’ve created a means to handle it by procrastination, overwhelm, guilt, disgrace, and so forth., and so forth.

So the very first thing to do, Katie, is simply to begin writing down a number of the issues that you simply do and begin actually noticing and understanding that these will not be character flaws, there’s nothing fallacious with you. And if I may say one factor to all people, it’s like there’s nothing fallacious with you. There’s nothing fallacious with you. There’s nothing fallacious with you. It’s simply concern. So I feel that’s one of many best issues to begin doing is simply beginning to discover them. After which, after all, you realize, I work with shoppers and, after all, in my guide and workshops, and so forth., I assist individuals determine that core concern that they’ve that basically drives all these behaviors.

And the primary factor that folks expertise once they perceive what their core concern is, as a result of your core concern might be not concern of failure. It’s most likely not concern of success, most likely not concern of rejection. These are all actually most likely concern responses. However once you determine that core concern, what I hear from individuals over and over is my life is sensible. I perceive why I’ve finished all the pieces I’ve finished and a stage of peace of thoughts is available in as a result of now you realize, it’s not you. You’re not a foul individual. You’re not a silly individual. You’re not a lazy individual. You’re not an…you realize, there’s not one thing fallacious with you. It’s really an individualized concern that was created by the point you had been 5. And so we’re simply performing it out on the age of 30, 40, 50 as a result of it’s labored on some stage. It’s saved us protected on some stage. And so, you realize, the concern needs to do one factor and one factor solely and it simply needs to maintain us protected. And we’ve purchased into that as a result of we don’t know any distinction, proper?

So once more, the very first thing that I’d invite individuals to do is simply begin recognizing the issues that they do and begin labeling them totally different. As a substitute of, “These are my issues,” go, “These are my concern responses. That is how I reply once I’m afraid. These will not be character flaws. I’m not unhealthy as a result of I do these items. These are simply issues that I do routinely as a result of that’s how I’ve been skilled to reply to concern. However there’s a totally different means.”

Katie: That makes a lot sense. And I skilled that myself during the last couple of years working by some previous experiences. And there was this sort of profound second of realizing that a few of these issues that I used to be so indignant with myself over and that I wasn’t getting previous, realizing they’d protected me in a number of methods at sure occasions and helped me even to grow to be who I’m now and that they had been…and like principally transferring from some extent of, like, frustration with myself and concern about these items, to a spot of gratitude that my thoughts and my physique knew what to do to defend me after which having the ability to say, “However I don’t want you to maintain me protected on this means anymore.”

And so I’m curious what’s the subsequent step? Like, as soon as we’re ready to determine that, I’d guess there’s an incredible quantity of self-compassion that comes simply from having the ability to understand this isn’t a deficiency. I’m not, you realize, not good due to this.” However what’s the following step of then making that our pal and transferring ahead?

Rhonda: Effectively, there’s one thing referred to as the Wheel of Worry like I discussed, after which the Wheel of Freedom. And what I assist individuals do is, once more, like I mentioned, determine their core concern, however extra importantly, I assist them determine their pathway out. , we hear loads about psychological fashions and filtering methods. And neuroscience says now that the one means to actually change your life on a core stage is to change the way you filter the world. Actually, change the glasses you put on. Actually, begin seeing the world in a different way. And that’s what the Wheel of Worry and Wheel of Freedom do. You progress from the Wheel of Worry filter to the Wheel of Freedom filter.

Now, I do wanna give a caveat right here, Katie, that, you realize, I do know that folks most likely are strolling round 80% fearless, proper? Some persons are 20% fearless, however there’s some areas of our life the place we’re already doing this naturally. , we’re fearless naturally, however there’s different areas of life that concern does have its means with us. So we is perhaps fearless in profession, however fearful in relationships, and all of our anxiousness comes up, all of our fear comes up. Or it is perhaps totally different and reverse. Like, “Oh, my God, my relationships are superior. I’m actually ready to talk and intimate, however it’s my profession the place I get all caught up in cash and price and oh, you realize, earning profits and oh, what do I do?”

And a few of us are nice in these areas and have troublesome time with self-care and play and connection, proper? So I’m not implying that everyone is afraid in every single place, however I need you to, to begin with, to actually title the realm that you simply do have some concern and that you simply do doubt your self, that you simply do put your self down, that you simply do examine your self to others. I feel that’s actually essential to begin giving your self credit score for the issues that you have already got ”dealt with,” and areas that you simply’re like, “Okay, concern responses are completely working the present,” proper?

So I assist individuals discover what’s referred to as their important nature of the place that they’ll anchor again into their true nature. So I assist individuals shift their filtering system from the Wheel of Worry to the Wheel of Freedom. Now, you introduced up a phrase that known as gratitude. And I really like that you simply introduced that up, Katie, as a result of I additionally wanna not solely speak about gratitude for a minute, however I wanna speak about one thing referred to as acknowledgments. And these are two workouts that people can do instantly that may begin shifting their opinions of themselves and the opinions of the world. So, you realize, Katie, you introduced up gratitude and I at all times say folks that have a troublesome time with gratitude, blame the world.

So when you’ve got a troublesome time with gratitude and you’ve got a troublesome time saying like, “I’m grateful for,” you then most likely are blaming the world. Now, acknowledgments, on the earth of Fearless Dwelling, which I’ll clarify how to do one, is when you’ve got a troublesome time acknowledging your self, you then blame your self, proper? In order that’s the way in which concern has its means with you is you blame your self. So on the earth of Fearless Dwelling, Katie gratitude, you write out, “At present I’m grateful for…” and also you get actually particular. And, you realize, so that you don’t write “At present, I’m grateful for the blue sky.” You write, “At present, I’m grateful for the way in which the daisies, you realize, are popping up by the, you realize, damaged sidewalk,” proper? Such as you’re actually particular as a result of if you end up particular together with your gratitudes and acknowledgments, it creates a visceral expertise.

Effectively, what’s a visceral expertise? It means it’s alive in your physique and it really begins shifting you routinely of the way you see the world. It shifts your filtering system. So we don’t need this to be an mental train. We would like this to be a visceral one. And the way do you get visceral? Being particular, additionally not saying “not”. So like as an alternative of claiming, “, I’m actually…” or I’ll use acknowledgment, “I acknowledge myself for not complaining,” uh-uh. We wanna discuss in acknowledgments about what we’re doing as an alternative of what we’re not doing. So, “I acknowledged myself for not complaining,” uh-uh. That’s what you’re not doing. What are you doing as an alternative of complaining? Oh, “I acknowledge myself for giving myself a break when it got here to lacking a deadline at work,” proper? Like, acknowledging your self.

So, “At present, I’m grateful for…” write it out 5 occasions a day. Be as particular as you could be. No nots, and acknowledgments are, “At present, I acknowledge myself, acknowledge myself for any shift, any consciousness, any motion ahead, something in any respect.” So I wanna say a caveat right here, Katie, that I don’t care how properly anyone does one thing, proper? I may give a crap about how properly you do it and I may give a crap about when you end it or not. Acknowledgments are solely about motion ahead irrespective of how minute, irrespective of how small, irrespective of how troublesome it was. It doesn’t matter about any of these. It’s simply actually acknowledging your self.

And acknowledging that motion ahead, really, is the primary confidence builder, primary means to construct your confidence in a single day is simply beginning to acknowledge your self. As a result of, Katie, what I’ve acknowledged is that most individuals acknowledged themselves for like one second after which they level out like, “Effectively, if I’d’ve began sooner,” or “Effectively, I may have finished it higher,” or “Effectively…” they usually actually take away their motion ahead by now evaluating it and judging it, the way it may have been if they’d have solely finished A, B and C.

Now, it doesn’t imply which you can’t have discernment and get higher, however you first have to acknowledge the place you’ve come from. So gratitudes and acknowledgments are essential instruments to use to begin shifting your concern responses into what we name the Wheel of Freedom, begin transferring you ahead from concern to freedom. So do your gratitudes in regards to the world. Gratitudes are exterior of your self. They’re in regards to the world on the market, and acknowledgments are all about you, about the way you’re residing on this world and the way you’re transferring ahead. If you happen to do 5 gratitudes and 5 acknowledgments at this time, I’m gonna let you know proper now that inside 24 hours, 36 hours, you’re gonna begin seeing a special world and experiencing a special world.

So I’m not gonna let you know what not to do. I’m not gonna say, “Stop complaining,” that, for many of us, is troublesome to do, proper? As a substitute, we’re gonna speak about what we’re going to do as an alternative of complaining, what we’re gonna do as an alternative of beating ourselves up, what we’re gonna do as an alternative. And we’re gonna begin transferring in direction of who we wish to be, what’s our true nature, the place we wanna go, quite than specializing in what we should always cease doing. So we wanna begin shifting that, you realize, that viewpoint of self-help, private improvement, spirituality, and so forth., from stopping to beginning, to the place can we wanna go versus, you realize, don’t give attention to what you need to cease, as an alternative give attention to changing. Does that make sense?

Katie: It does. I feel that’s most likely such a robust and paradigm shift, you realize, that we…and when you may make that, I can solely think about how that may spill over into each different space of life. And I’m guessing there’s a component right here. It makes me consider… I do know patterns I can say I’ve fallen into up to now and that I’ve seen in different individuals, which is when individuals have a tendency to fall into patterns of complaining or making excuses, which you touched on. So I’m curious each if we will acknowledge in ourselves that that’s a factor that we do, how we will work by that, or if that’s one thing that these shut to us do. Is there something we will do each to assist our personal mindset or to assist them in these cases?

Rhonda: Effectively, complaining, you realize, one of many nice issues is, you realize, complaining we do for a lot of causes and what I’d love individuals to do is complain, flip complaining into venting. And, you realize, most of us have heard the phrase venting, however really, we’re really complaining, we’re not venting. So let me let you know the distinction between complaining and venting. After which I’ll provide you with slightly language for these individuals in your life which can be huge complainers and also you now not wanna take part, what do you say to them? Proper? So complaining is, “I’m dedicated to preserving the issue alive.” Like I’m complaining, I’m making an attempt to get you to purchase in that there’s an issue and I need to give attention to the issue.

So I wanna maintain speaking about the issue. I wanna maintain speaking about my husband being this fashion or my boss being that means, or my coworker being this fashion, or my sister being this fashion. And I wanna complain about this and complain about that. And I need you to purchase in. I need you to purchase in as a result of that’s how we really feel, you realize, that we’re proper. That’s how we really feel beloved, proper? That’s how we really feel understood. Which brings me to a facet be aware, Katie, is that most individuals wanna be understood. And what I train my shoppers, what I train my college students, is most of us need to be understood, however we don’t actually…we’re not likely in search of understanding. What we’re actually in search of is settlement.

So one of many ways in which complaining works for us, is we’re actually in search of settlement. We’re not trying to be understood. We don’t need…as a result of we predict, “Effectively, when you actually understood me, you’ll agree with me.” However it’s like that, you realize, the concern needs us to get settlement in order that we’re protected as a result of if we don’t agree, then possibly I’m not protected, proper? So simply FYI, you realize, complaining is dedicated to the issue. So now what’s venting? Venting is dedicated to the answer, i.e., “I’ve a number of anger proper now. I’m actually pissed off proper now. I’m feeling actually, you realize, POed proper now I’m actually upset about one thing.”

Effectively, we wanna transfer that vitality as a result of we’re principally vitality beings. That’s what we’re. That’s what, you realize, neuroscience now tells us, that our complete being, our complete neurobiology and our complete biology is definitely to maintain our vitality in place, to maintain us having vitality, proper? And we have now to monitor our vitality. And making choices takes vitality. That’s why we simply make the identical choices, though we predict we’re making totally different ones, however they’re type of the identical. They’re nonetheless out of concern as a result of it simply saves vitality.

So venting really says, “ what? I’m slightly upset proper now and I want to transfer this vitality by me. So I’m gonna honor this sense of upset, of anger, of no matter, by talking it out loud to anyone I belief or, you realize, yelling within the clouds or, once more, nevertheless you wanna transfer it by you. However I’m additionally dedicated to transferring by it and to discover a resolution.” So venting is, “I do know I’m awake to being upset. I do know I want to transfer it by me. So I’m gonna name up an excellent pal and say, “Hey, by the way in which, can I simply… I’m actually upset about one thing. Will you pay attention? Don’t, you realize, give me recommendation. Don’t inform me what to do. Don’t inform me I’m proper. , simply pay attention as a result of I want to transfer by this so I can assume clearly in order that I now can give you an answer.”

So most of us will not be venting to one another. We’re complaining to one another and getting…making an attempt to get buy-in to validate our ideas, to validate that life isn’t truthful, to validate that we’re victims, that it’s not our fault, proper? However as an alternative, we wanna take that feeling and transfer it by us by honoring it, by saying it, writing it, talking it, you realize, going, you realize, to the river and throwing issues in it, no matter we wanna do to let it transfer by us. However understanding that we’re dedicated to transfer by it in order that we could be clear to make a special choice. We all know this isn’t actual. The concern isn’t actual, per se. The anger isn’t actual. Regardless that it feels actual, we go, “I do know I’m indignant proper now, however I do know in the end, I’m not dedicated to preserving my anger alive. I’m dedicated to transferring by my anger.”

And so then we permit that to transfer by. After which we will have a venting accomplice. Once more, you may name up a pal, after which once you vent, it’s like you may breathe and go, “Okay, whew, I obtained that. I obtained by that. I may need to do it a couple of occasions, however I moved by it. And now I can assume clearly to make a special choice that’s based mostly on my values, based mostly on my wheel of freedom, based mostly on who I really need to be, based mostly on the selections that basically help me, that basically are who I actually am at my core.” As a substitute of being indignant and doing issues that we’re not happy with after we do them, proper? That we’re simply so indignant that we lash out, that we, you realize, do issues that had been identical to, “God, I want I didn’t do this afterwards,” proper?

In order that’s actually essential to take that complaining and turning it into venting. So we honor our emotions, we honor our emotions, however we act on our commitments. So we honor our emotions, however we act on our commitments. In order that’s the factor about complaining. Transfer it to venting. And likewise, after all, then we use gratitude after that. So we go from complaining, transfer it into venting, after which transfer into gratitude.

Excuses are slightly bit harder, Katie, than complaining as a result of excuses really feel actually actual, proper? Like I can use, “Effectively, my father killed my mom as an excuse,” proper? Like, “Wow, that’s why I grew to become an alcoholic.” And all people goes, “Effectively, after all, you’ll,” proper? So excuses…complaining, we will type of name one another out. However excuses are actually based mostly on a seed of fact that we then take into actuality and really make actual much more, proper? So excuses are slightly bit harder to suss out as a result of we have now proof for these excuses that we must be cautious, that we should always…this could…that is actual, proper? So I feel complaining, once more, is less complicated to determine and excuses once more, have that seed of fact that we have now a troublesome time calling ourselves out for.

So I imply that’s once we get to do the actual truthful, genuine work, in regards to the distinction between, “Okay, wait a minute, I’m making an excuse. And do I need that to proceed to be my actuality?” Like asking ourselves, “Okay, so sure, my father killed my mom and killed himself. Obtained it. So did that trigger a number of ache? Sure. Did that trigger self-doubt? Sure. Self-Hatred, all these… Sure it did. However do I need to maintain believing that?” You even have to determine, Katie, would you like to maintain believing that or would you like to determine one thing totally different? Would you like to determine that that is, such as you mentioned a minute in the past about, “Okay, it is a lesson. it is a blessing. This can be a gratitude. Like, oh my God, this occurred and now I get to do that with it.”

So I feel excuses are extra delicate they usually’re extra, you realize, troublesome to type of name out. However I feel that if we type of embrace that there are occasions in our lives, all of our lives, that we’re victims of our excuses, the extra light we could be with ourselves, the extra compassion we can provide. And the greater than we will name ourselves out and say, “ what? This excuse now not serves me. I’m gonna shift it. I’m gonna transfer into acknowledgment. I’m gonna transfer into totally different… I’m gonna see this in a different way. I’m gonna transfer previous this.”

Katie: I really like that.

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And to return to one thing you’ve talked about a few occasions, you’ve talked about type of that core concern and the way they shaped so early. And I do know for me, a type of definitely was this sense of like, I’m not adequate. And once I began engaged on that and making an attempt to like undergo all these steps and to actually face that, I used to be confronted with a couple of issues. However one I fearful that I used to be partially ready to be so pushed and to be so productive due to that and I had seen it manifest in my life. So I fearful that if that went away, I would really like lose my edge or I’d lose my means to get issues finished.

So I suppose, two-part query, one could be, you realize, is there a draw back once we let go of those fears? And likewise, as a result of I’ve heard this from now so many individuals, is there anybody of us that doesn’t face some type of that query? I type of assume like, you realize, I feel we have now these inside questions that come up to us and it’s like, am I adequate? Am I lovable? Am I worthy of respect? , does everybody have that in some kind?

Rhonda: Yup. Everyone does, even the Dalai Lama. Yep. Completely. And I really like that you simply introduced up a concern of not being adequate as a result of that’s the generalized wheel of concern. So, you realize, we enable you to discover your particular wheel of concern that’s distinctive to you. However typically, if we wanna say like, you realize, a generic…it’s a generic model of a wheel of concern is, you realize, all of us in a roundabout way or one other really feel some type of feeling of not feeling adequate on some stage, proper?

After which with the Wheel of Worry, we type of personalize it and individualize it so it has extra oomph and extra like, “Oh God, sure, that’s it,” proper? So yeah, all people has…that’s how the Wheel of Worry works. It’s how concern works in our neurobiology. Bear in mind, it’s about preserving us protected. So what does that imply? That signifies that your concern of not being adequate and no matter model that’s, personalised model, is since you at the moment are within the unknown, proper? Worry solely visits us once we’re within the unknown. It doesn’t are available once we’re consuming Doritos on the sofa watching our favourite present on Netflix, proper? It doesn’t come up. It solely comes up once we’re having a brand new thought, once we’re having a brand new expertise, once we’re, you realize, wanting to take a step ahead. And once more, it might be only a thought. It might be only a thought. It’s not about simply taking motion. Our ideas scare the crap out of us.

So, you realize that not feeling adequate, you realize, says like, “Okay, see that is the unknown. We don’t know what to do.” And concern says, “I can’t assure your security. I can’t maintain you protected right here as a result of I don’t know what’s gonna occur,” as a result of neuroscience has proven now, Katie, that principally, the way in which we’re wired is to have a look at the previous for a template, for our current state of affairs, okay? So we actually routinely, unconsciously, look up to now for an answer to our current issues. And that’s why it looks like we’re repeating the previous though it could look higher, it could have a special title, could, you realize, like, it didn’t come up for 2 years, however now we’re like, “Are you kidding me? It’s occurring once more. I believed I picked in a different way this time,” proper? As a result of the mind and physique solely understand how to have a look at what’s already occurred, the recognized, to search for options to problem-solve.

So until you might be consciously awake and conscious to begin utilizing what’s referred to as the frontal lobe and begin making a brand new alternative, a special alternative, and having the ability to step within the unknown, your automated responses will at all times be based mostly on the previous. So, you realize, that concern not being adequate, you’re pondering of opening that enterprise or falling in love or no matter, and it goes, “Oh properly, let’s do it this fashion.” , and, “Oh by the way in which,” it’s gonna deliver up not feeling adequate. So when you’re gonna take a danger, when you’re gonna take a stretch, is what we name Stretch, Threat, or Die in Fearless Dwelling, once we begin taking Stretch, Threat, or Die, you realize, that concern goes to come up since you at the moment are within the unknown and the Wheel of Worry will probably be triggered anytime you’re within the unknown, until you might have a special course of, until you might have a special means to have a look at the unknown.

However backside line is we’re made to keep protected. Our complete being is about security, is about preserving us alive. And keep in mind, the mind doesn’t know the distinction between an emotional danger, emotional concern, versus a bodily concern. So that you excited about falling in love, otherwise you excited about getting married, otherwise you excited about opening your online business or shopping for a home or promoting a home, any of these issues, whether it is an unknown, concern will set off and go, “Sure, we don’t know what to do right here. We higher use a previous resolution for the current drawback,” which after all is more than likely ineffective, proper, for a lot of issues we wanna do.

So concern is triggered by the unknown. So I at all times say that freedom equals your capability to dwell within the unknown. Freedom equals your capability to dwell within the unknown. If you happen to’re not succesful and never prepared to dwell within the unknown, which suggests the management freaks on the market, which so many people are, you realize, if we’re not prepared to hand over management and really step ahead into the unknown, the concern has you, concern owns you, proper? Worry has you. So all of us have that concern of not being adequate in no matter means it reveals up for us. It’s one thing distinctive. And our complete neurobiology and the way in which we’re wired is to look up to now for an answer to the current, which once more, more than likely is ineffective as a result of we’re in a special atmosphere, we’re in a special age, we’re, you realize, in a special state of affairs.

And in order that’s why we maintain feeling like we’re repeating ourselves over and over, though we predict we’re selecting in a different way. However we have now to be prepared to step out into the unknown and grow to be masterful residing within the unknown so as to even have the liberty that we actually need and actually need.

Katie: That is sensible. And I feel one other factor that may be very top-of-mind for lots of people listening proper now, they most likely perceive and might determine these items in their very own private lives. However then once we’re dealing with one thing that’s, you realize, huge or out of our management or proper now like with world stuff occurring, or we’re dealing with fears of our kids getting sick or our mother and father getting sick or these actually huge…you realize, life-threatening illness or continual sickness or issues which can be greater than simply us having the ability to dwell with the concern, what are some ideas for that? As a result of I feel we’re in a spot societally the place there’s a number of overwhelm and anxiousness and concern. And so I’d love to hear your perception on how we will work by these issues that we will’t simply change.

Rhonda: Yeah. So the very first thing is that after all, we have now to handle ourselves from an actual sensible stage. , we have now to guarantee that we handle what wants to be taken care of and never keep in, like, “Why is that this occurring to me?” As a result of “Why is that this occurring to me?” is just not useful and it doesn’t transfer us ahead. So, and why is it occurring to you is as a result of, you realize, we could know and we could not know, proper? We could not perceive the way it’s occurring to us. However as an alternative, it’s like, “Okay, so what are the sensible purposes? What are the sensible issues that I want to do proper now to maintain myself bodily protected?” as a result of the very first thing that we at all times have to do is to maintain ourselves bodily protected.

So, you realize, trauma work is at all times about, you realize, when you don’t really feel emotionally protected, go to the bodily first and go, “Effectively, am I bodily protected?” Go searching you. Ensure that, “Am I bodily protected?” If you happen to’re bodily protected, then you can begin addressing the emotional fears, proper? In order that’s the very first thing is like, simply bodily, are you protected? , do you might have all the pieces you want in place? And when you don’t, nice, then it’s time to problem-solve. Attain out, ask for assist, which, after all, asking for assist is likely one of the best presents that we can provide ourselves or one other human being. And it’s one of many issues that almost all of us don’t do.

So we have now to transfer right into a deep stage of self-care, deep stage of connection, deep stage of seeing our personal innocence, transferring previous the entire fears that we’ve had, about, you realize, needing assist or asking for assist or wanting connection. Like, we gotta get again down to fundamentals of all of us have wants. I’ve a necessity, you might have a necessity, all of us have wants, and might we handle our personal wants and might we handle the wants of those we love? Proper? After which can we transfer into letting go what we’re not in command of?

So I’ve an train that I’ve finished with many a consumer that’s referred to as Management, no Management. And I ask shoppers to get a bit of paper and, you realize, make two columns. What are they in command of and what are they not in command of? And begin itemizing all of the issues you might be in command of and itemizing all of the belongings you’re not in command of. And so all of the issues you might be in command of, what are you able to do to really take cost of that? Like what are the issues that you are able to do? And most of us give attention to what we’re not in command of, which will increase our anxiousness, which will increase our overwhelm, which will increase our guilt, which will increase our, and so forth., and so forth., and so forth., all of our fears. And we’re really not paying consideration to what we really are in command of. So make the record, make the record of “What am I in command of and what am I not in command of?”

After which, you realize, when you’re a believer of God or any spirituality, the issues that aren’t in your management, simply hand them over, proper? And when you don’t have a non secular philosophy, you then get to give up and let go from a human perspective and go, “Okay, I can solely management A, B, C, D, E, F,” as a result of I assure you, you’re in additional management than you assume, “And the issues that I’m not in command of, sure, I can ask for assist, I can search options, I can join in and so forth.” Like these occasions proper now are asking us to be taught the talents we’d like to have the life that we wish, whatever the circumstances of our lives.

So that is asking us to attain out when possibly we haven’t reached out, asking for assist when possibly we’ve been afraid to ask for assist. Being prepared to face a concern of rejection or, you realize, and so forth., you realize, caring about one another and caring about ourselves. So, you realize, concern needs us to isolate, i.e., actually like “I solely will handle myself and I solely have two protect myself.” However the truth is, the true means to join, the true means to survive, the true means to develop, the true means to dwell our future is with one another.

And so write that record of Management and never Management and begin doing the issues which you can management and be prepared to…the issues you may’t management, are you prepared to ask for assist? Are you prepared to attain out? Are you prepared to join? And what are you prepared to actually follow letting go of that’s not up to you. It’s not gonna ever be up to you. So what are you able to do? I feel that begins giving us our energy again as a result of our energy and our helplessness and our hopelessness occurs as a result of we solely give attention to what we’re not in command of.

So once you begin type of greedy and labeling and proudly owning what you may management, you begin feeling slightly bit extra highly effective. You begin feeling like, “Okay, I could make a distinction right here. And that’s gonna transfer you out of that concern zone into freedom zone.”

Katie: I really like that. And I feel that ties into one thing that could be a theme by a number of writers that I like, together with you and together with individuals like Victor Frankl who wrote ”Man’s Seek for Which means,” and most of the stoic philosophers that speak about, you realize, we don’t have management over the world or what occurs to us, however we do at all times have management over our reactions and the way we reply and even how we interpret these occasions.

And I reread Viktor Frankl yearly and it’s at all times such an excellent reminder as a result of, you realize, such as you, he’s been by issues a lot more durable than I’ve. And so when somebody who has been by…I really like the quote, you realize, “Has been by the hearth, comes out carrying water for the remainder of us,” it’s simply so inspiring. And so I feel that’s an exquisite reminder and centering place to consider is that we at all times have that facet of management, to select kindness, to select our response, to select gratitude and to select positivity. And I’m guessing there’s lots of people listening who a number of that is resonating with them or they see elements of their lives and issues that you simply’ve mentioned at this time. I do know you’ve additionally written a number of books. So for somebody who’s simply type of delving into this for the primary time, the place do you advocate them beginning?

Rhonda: Effectively, very first thing that I would really like them to do is, after all, in the event that they’re prepared and prepared to learn ”Fearless Dwelling” or get the audiobook on audible, you realize, and so forth., begin simply, you realize, listening over and over to perceive how your concern works. As a result of I feel once more, I feel one of many best presents that “Fearless Dwelling” provides to the world is a launch of disgrace. , I do know when individuals discover their Wheel of Worry and Wheel of Freedom and actually perceive that it’s not them that’s doing this, you realize, not them that, you realize, is lazy, silly. That isn’t you. That isn’t your true nature and it’s solely a concern response and you actually see that that’s simply concern performing out to maintain you protected. And it’s not about you. The disgrace simply dissolves and melts away.

And I don’t learn about you, Katie, however you realize, disgrace ran my life for thus many many years and that disgrace is the factor that saved me small, caught, and you realize, afraid. And once I may soften that disgrace away, I began having area and respiration room to begin actually occupying and proudly owning my life in a extra true means and actual genuine means. And so, you realize, so the very first thing is, sure, seize my guide, pay attention to the guide.

The opposite factor that I’d invite you to do is I really…and Katie, I hope that is okay, however that is transferring by me proper now. So I hope you’re okay with this. However I’d love to reward your people an train referred to as Stretch, Threat or Die that I discussed earlier. And is that okay if I do this, Katie? I’m sorry, I didn’t ask you beforehand. It’s simply coming by me. Is that every one proper?

Katie: Certain.

Rhonda: So go to fearlessliving.org, fearlessliving.org/danger. So fearlessliving.org/rsk R-I-S-Okay and I’m gonna, I simply assume this mini-course proper now of Stretch, Threat, or Die actually beginning to see how concern type of owns your choices and begin pondering of selections in a different way. There’s worksheets in there, there’s, you realize, three quick movies in there and you can begin doing an train instantly to begin serving to your self. And I describe it intimately. It’s referred to as Stretch, Threat, or Die. And it’s permitting you to begin transferring exterior your consolation zone, and begin transferring within the route of freedom, to begin transferring into the route of the unknown. And once more, I provide you with tons of sources in there, tons of templates, and so forth. So go to fearlessliving.org/danger, R-I-S-Okay, and I feel this train goes to help you instantly. It’s one in every of my shoppers’ very favourite workouts, college students’, very favourite workouts.

So I’d love to reward it to you proper now on this time that we’re residing in to enable you to begin noticing, “Okay, because of this I’m not taking that Stretch, Threat, or Die. Okay, obtained it.” And now you may. And that’s the reward that I’d love to help you with is saying sure to your self, sure to that instinct, sure to your bigger imaginative and prescient, sure to the true nature of who you might be, sure to the individual you had been born to be. As a result of I do consider that every one of us do have a future and concern is the one factor that stops that future from unfoldment. And I’m dedicated to serving to you, me, the world, dwell their destinies and fulfill their destinies. And so I don’t need concern to run your life anymore. I need you to run your life.

Katie: I really like that. And I’ll guarantee that all of the hyperlinks to all the pieces we’ve talked about, together with your books, and together with that, are within the present notes at wellnessmama.fm. And I feel it is a good beginning place for lots of people and I do know that folks can discover you and continue to learn from you. However I respect your time in being right here at this time and for all of the work that you simply do for thus, so many individuals.

Rhonda: Thanks, Katie. What a present you might be to the world. I’m so grateful I get to know you. Thanks.

Katie: Thanks, and thanks to all of you as at all times, for listening, for sharing one in every of your most useful sources, your time, with each of us at this time. We’re so grateful that you simply did and I hope that you’ll be a part of me once more on the following episode of the ”Wellness Mama” podcast.

If you happen to’re having fun with these interviews, would you please take two minutes to depart a ranking or overview on iTunes for me? Doing this helps extra individuals to discover the podcast, which suggests much more mothers and households may gain advantage from the knowledge. I actually respect your time, and thanks as at all times for listening.