Can Bondage Help You Understand Your Sexual Boundaries?

Understanding Your Boundaries

When you’re into meditation or yoga, you may be conversant in the observe of staying current in your physique. Bondage is usually a useful instrument in the identical manner. In bondage, you need to be current. You must breathe. You have to grasp the place your edges are and have the ability to share them along with your associate or practitioner. Lots of people don’t have observe in naming their boundaries like that—and even in realizing what their sexual boundaries are.

Right here’s what it’d appear to be in observe: Pause and spot what you feel in your physique and the place. The place are you feeling that discomfort, or that worry, or that disgrace? Are you feeling it in your chest? Are you proscribing your breath? Are you feeling it in your intestine? In your bowels?

When you determine what you’re feeling and the place, examine it. Attempt asking your self a query about the place the sensation is coming from. Who am I making an attempt to impress? Or: What am I making an attempt to show? We’re our personal worst critic. We’re consistently judging ourselves. If I’m in a scenario and I feel, Oh my god, they’re going to assume I’m so uncool as a result of I’ve by no means been tied up earlier than, it begs the query of whether or not I really feel protected in that scenario. Am I crossing my boundaries making an attempt to impress this individual? Am I being sincere with myself? As a result of if you happen to don’t really feel protected, you may’t let go and actually expertise your individual pleasure.

Speaking Your Boundaries

It’s laborious to talk up to your boundaries whenever you really feel insecure or whenever you really feel such as you’re going to be judged for not doing one thing. And I see that insecurity come up quite a bit: In my work round intercourse, 80 % of the questions I get begin with some type of “I do know I ought to have figured this out by now,” or “I really feel prefer it’s too late for me.”

The truth is there isn’t any guidebook given to us at an early age on the right way to deal with our sexuality or our our bodies. All of us have to simply accept that we’re at the place we’re at. And that’s the thrilling factor about intercourse, anyway: We’re by no means achieved studying about it. In the identical manner you get to be taught to cook dinner some fancy French meals, are you able to come to intercourse excited to strategy one thing new? Can you expertise getting tied up for the primary time with a newbie’s thoughts, as a substitute of anticipating that you just’re going to return out of the gate as a mistress of the ropes?

We aren’t taught to speak about intercourse. We’re taught that it’s shameful and taboo, so most of us will not be practiced at it. Once you do begin speaking about it, it’s like moving into an ice bathtub for the primary time; when you’ve began, it turns into a lot simpler. And the extra of a protected container which you could create, the extra you may let your freak flag fly.

In bondage, you talk about your boundaries beforehand. As a result of if you happen to’re taking part in in an area the place there are dangers concerned, you don’t wish to push anybody previous their limits. So that you discuss concerning the specifics of what you’re comfy and uncomfortable with: That is the place I don’t wish to be touched. I’m thinking about getting this near my edge. I’m thinking about my toes being tied, however I would like my palms free. Or: I’m going to ask you to go somewhat more durable, but when I say the phrase “yellow,” which means cease.

That detailed dialog is a regular observe from the kink area that everybody can apply to no matter intercourse they’re having. And it’s achieved properly upfront, like whenever you’re out to dinner or sitting along with your espresso. It’s not 5 minutes earlier than your associate wraps their headphone twine round your wrists.